Walkin’ Round in Womens’ Underwear
December 18, 2008
What To Give An Optimist And A Pessimist
December 23, 2008

I hate
to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she.

Think about it.
Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of
men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Its as if they are all frozen
in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing
calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at
the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and
mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic
and guilt, but my husband tells me its an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour
decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas
morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there
would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear
bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitzens rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male
Santa did have reindeer, he would still have transportation problems because he would inevitably
get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the
chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and re point bricks in the flue.
He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under
every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree

Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man:
– Men cant pack a
– Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
– Men would feel
their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
– Men don’t
answer their mail.
– Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in
jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
– Finally, being
responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that
other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and
looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a
politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a


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